That is what my life has felt like for the past couple of days. without sharing details and revealing other peoples business and some of my own...I am feeling pretty down by some recent events in life..
Particularly the past couple of days...either things that have happened to people in my life very close to me that I love, or things other people have done...getting to that place where for the sake of sanity a retreat into my head where I am alone and can sort through the clutter that is there for a bit and get back on track.
Very happy to be returning to work in the morning that is for sure. Not sure how well I'm going to be in two weeks when the check I had surgery during comes through...I know I will find a way..I'm a tough cookie. If you only want sunshine and rainbows every day of the week my friends...this blog is probably not for you. HA...kinda sounded like the opening of the movie Series of Unfortunate Events didn't it? And while we are on the topic of who my blog is not for...I have some thoughts to share.
Some you may relate to or disagree entirely with...but gotta get it out of my head there is just too much up there right now for anything good to come from it.
Somerset Studios. Been my dream for years to have my work published in one of several publications. Have never submitted to them...possibly out of fear of failure? Lame excuse but it is very true. And there is another reason. I'm not one thing. I'm not always sunshine and rainbows I live a real life with a job not related to art. I do not have a studio I have a corner to create in. Everything in my living room is not white...is anyone's really? Where do those things come from? Do people have that kind of money to recreate their homes every other week to submit for publication. I'm just a real girl. I dont stick to one medium. I have a degree in graphic design, I sketch I paint I blog I take photos, I work in Photoshop and other digital programs...I sew, I stitch...I recycle anything I can to create things from...I make memories, I journal, I make ATC's and mail art....which publication would I even submit to and do they just pick poor girls who love to create who can't live without it?
Who doesn't have one particular style.. who cant be pegged as JUST a mixed media artist or just a Artful Blogger...believe me...Somerset Studios is not at all what so ever being bashed here...I suppose it is myself for not having the courage or the time to go after what my soul screams for. I am the sole supporter of my family...I have to work and it is in Education not an art field.
I'm just a girl...who needs art in her life in any form or method or technique that calls to me...Some days I tell myself ..your work is just as worthy...your work is worthy of them...and other days like right now when I feel down or angry with myself for not reaching farther..for not mastering one thing and sticking to it...and the voice in the back of my head says SCREW THAT that isn't who I am I dont stick to just one thing I see art in every light, in every thing I do in every breath I take...awake..or sleeping...its never the same...I'm not one thing and I don't want to be one thing.
So many people inspire me and touch me in such great ways artistically...I see their work in every publication I pick up and I wonder if there are others...just like me who fear their worth to be among the rest...I know there must be others who despite being incredibly happy someone got noticed or rushing to buy it the day it hits stands cause your pal or artful acquaintance got the cover...but deep inside there is the swimming parasite that has a bad negative voice...saying...you cant touch this...look how good their work is this makes your stuff look like crap!
And then...the warrior chick in me has a voice too...and she demands that evil bug shut its mouth because all it takes is some courage...that's what you tell your girls Debbie...have courage and just do it you will never know til you try.
This is good because usually...
it is when I get angry with myself
that good big things happen...
Feels like my life is seriously calling for some change....
can you feel that? It's coming.
Debbie, I can totally relate to your post! What is your day job? I am a teacher... I teach elementary art, so I do get to do art stuff during the day. But of course, it's not just glitter and crayons all day... there's a lot of paperwork and normal day to day job stuff. I love your artwork and I'm surprised you're not one of those who have been published! :)
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone...
ReplyDeleteLove your post, speaks "Loud & Clear" to me!
I have thought this way, countless times my friend.
Who am I?
Why doesnt my artwork sell enough, at least to pay for the supplies I use?
Isn't my time, talents & skill valued?
What makes other creative people, So different than I?
Why can't my art be published?
Where is everyone "finding" a tribe, as they refer to?
I am not popular enough, so my art is no good to others?
I dream of a beautiful studio, loads of space to create, magazine & book publishing deadlines, a stamp collection of my very own, and the financial freedom that other artist love to brag about.
What is their secret? The formula? The recipe? The inner circle? I know it is real, I can see it with my own two eyes... Their art, books, magazines, videos, and traveling to teach ( such a dream ). How? We are told " there is room for everyone, through the Internet, to make art and be successful." Really... I still have not found the answer.
Said to say, being an artist... Is very lonely at times.
I want to just pack everything up, and call it quits!!
Unfortunately, it is impossible... Because I have this little voice telling me, "make art, share it with the world, tell your story... It is what you are made of!"
So, in my little corner of the world... I pick up my paint brush and make art. ~xx
April...thank you as always for your post and thoughts they always speak so loud to me or touch my heart you rock!! In regards to your comment that reads "I dream of a beautiful studio, loads of space to create, magazine & book publishing deadlines, a stamp collection of my very own, and the financial freedom that other artist love to brag about" I can relate to bits of this...I would LOVE to someday have even a small SHED or room or basement room to call my studio...I am a dreamer but a realistic one that knows that is not possible financially in life right now...I too would love to have some space to just make a mess and explore..I have a collection of things and dont ever feel like I lack the things I need to create..I'd just like to know...that the small girl who has two or three people following her because she dont offer e-courses or have an etsy shop or a living room that is white decoupage everything can actually be noticed as worthy, artistically. Money is not what makes someone an artist..it helps that's for sure but it is not the defining factor...never has been. The term starving artist came from somewhere correct? I fear one day I will open up a dictionary and find my photo next to that term lol...I live my dream..just lack some organization or know how when it comes to e-courses and selling work...and I am the sole provider for my family right now so there are not funds for printing mass quantities of art to sell and ship across the world even if someone was interested in what I do...I just wanna believe that even people like me and you...have that chance or ability to be heard and noticed. I believe we do..and I'm going to give it one hell of a try..or I will wonder why I let fear cosume me my entire life..this isnt what I preech to my girls to be worried their not good enough and dont try even if there are odds against them..i tell them dive head first, dont look back, ask no questions take no ones shit and rock it as hard as you can til you make it what it should be for and to you...never give up until you get there...never let anyone tell you that you CANT achieve...now its time to show them..I can follow my own advice..xo
DeleteI knew there would be others who would relate to this post. Some may not even want to admit to it but we all know it is that lingering thought. I do not need a large following to feel fulfilled..just some close friends who find joy in something I post or say...a photo I take or work of art that I create..and yes, for my own personal satisfaction and to show my children you can make your dreams come true I would certainly like to be published. I am going to lay down a plan this weekend of things in the works for getting myself to a better place for that to be a possibility. Thank you Marcia and April for your support and friendships and for your honesty it is refreshing. Please stick around...got some cool things up my sleeve. Everything stats with a plan and ambition...I have enough ambition for 12000 people..but a huge lack of organized plans! lol
ReplyDeleteSomehow I came across your blog from my blog. Don't ask how. Things just happen for good reasons! As far as being published goes, it is NOT what you may think it would be. Years ago I longed to be published in Teesha's Studio and in Somerset. I was, quite a few times. How did I feel about it? Actually rather disappointed. So I stopped. Finally after reading your post and Kelly Kilmer's blog, it finally struck me like a bolt of lightening. Do art for myself!!! Instead of doing art and wondering if I do something will be noticed on my blog and commented on. Just be yourself!!! I'm bookmarked your blog so I'll be reading it now. I really like reading about people who are REAL!!! Thanks for the kick in the pants to be myself. If you aren't you, who will be?
ReplyDeleteThanks Karenann...
ReplyDeleteI don't know how to be anything but myself. Disappointment for me comes through lack of courage to even submit for publishing and I don't think I have any super high expectations of what that would mean for me or be like. I work at a college and have a masters degree in higher education. My first love is art and I also have a bachelor degree in Graphic design. My first love is and always will be art. I NEVER thought my art would be good enough to make a living off of and I have always done it for just me, and gifts for the people I love. I admire Somerset Studios...they inspire me to keep reaching father and I love so many of the fantastic people featured on their publications..for me getting published by them is something slightly different from what it may be for others. I do not want to be published by them to make me more popular or one of the "elite" mixed media artist or photographers, or bloggers, or journal girls..I want to prove to myself I can, that my eyes are worthy with my brain to capture something someone will enjoy..that I can with my skills capture something and to hand a copy to my children and say LOOK..I DIS IT!! :) I love real people too and it seems that things dont always sell unless they say words like DREAM..SOAR..FAITH..HOPE..well that is great..and I love every single one of those words...but sometimes life is just life and normal and dull and I wont pretend to make friends that is not being real for who I am. Maybe it is who others are and they are living their dream...I just hope someday my work stands for itself and people see the heart within me that beats for creating and loving life even when it sucks and I wanna have a good cry :) Glad you are here!