Well well well...4:32AM. Typically I do not have time to blog in the mornings because I'm usually getting ready for work but I come to you today with coffee in hand..a towel on my head one hour before I even needed to be up. Apparently my alarm clock is the one in the house that did not Fall back an hour...I gained an hour of sleep....and have somehow lost an hour of sleep...so typical. So....incredibly typical of how things go for me sometimes...just gotta laugh. And so...here I am with you...you are probably all sleeping well...dreaming of all sorts of things..glancing 17 times in 4 hours at the alarm clock yourselves..I do that all night...every other hour if not every hour I wake for what reason only God knows and check the clock...I hate that. Broken sleep is the worst.
Some explanation for my poor sleeping these days and somber disposition is because I am in need of surgery. I am waiting for a "robot" available for me at the hospital because I am in apparently desperate need of a hysterectomy. Sorry for what may seem like TMI but I have been diagnosed with fibroid s and they can make life a bit unbearable at times. My blood count keeps going to dangerously low levels causing me sever anemia. This causes low energy, horrible fatigue, trouble concentrating, and headaches like I have never known. Low grade fevers, sometimes chills, abdominal pain none of these things are helping me with my new job. I've never in my life had an issue with learning.
I've earned 4 degrees in my life...and graduated in the top 4%...yes 4% of my class with all honors I could receive...started the masters program and finished it with a beautiful 4.0 GPA yet, I am struggling to retain new material I am learning at work. I need them to come on with this robot and get this surgery over with. My mother and sister as well as some dear friends have told me that all of these things I am experiencing that are non-characteristic of me will improve with this surgery so its a double edge sword. I am NOT looking forward to going through surgery. I hate more than anything the feeling of the moment you wake up after surgery from the anesthetic. It is a terrible feeling and it plagues my mind to know I am going to have to endure it again. Furthermore, I will be required to stay off of work anywhere from 2-8 weeks. That doesn't make me happy, I do not want to lose what I have retained and the don't want to leave my team down a person but there is no choice. This is where my head has been for a few weeks now.
On top of this great and uplifting news I bring you today I am also under going some other tests for symptoms I'm having...nothing life threatening but of the two ideas the Dr. has for what could be wrong, neither are something I want to deal with. Nothing life threatening but neither have a cure and cause problems with pain and joint damage later down the road...all you can do is slow their progression. We will talk about that another time.....
So much on my mind.
Today..the anxiety needs to flee me. I need some peace of mind...and so I think I may start my day's gratitude list to focus on what is good and not what is worrying me or giving me hell in my life. I am thankful today That God is in my life and that he carries me when I am my weakest
That he asks me to turn my problems over to him ...though I've not mastered that skill just yet..I'm still thankful. I'm thankful for my family..whom I learn a great deal from. I'm thankful for my children....enough to make me cry if I think about it for one moment longer than it takes to tell you...my girls are the greatest gifts God has ever blessed my life with and I dont know what I would do without them...they own my heart. I'm thankful for my job..beyond words...and hope that I can give them what they need from me today...and have a long future there. I'm thankful for hot showers, Irish Spring soap cause it wakes me up and good hot coffee to start my day. I am thankful for the people in my life like Don, who KNOW me and love me for who I am...just the way that I am. And nearly all of you wont understand this one but it cant go without saying...
I'm eternally grateful..for the silent things in my life...the quiet reminders that I am enough and that I am not alone..the reminder that..every thing will be okay....those little things that on the surface appear as coincidence but are actually full pf purpose ...kinda like...A great song that changes your perspective a quiet voice calling out to you when you need it most
not sure how else to say it...that THING..I'm thankful for and never want it to flee from me.
I could go on forever becasue my heart is consumed every day with gratitude...for so many things and reasons but I will leave you with that today.
Love and peace friends...xo I will keep you posted!